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I can't believe I let this happen to me again, especially after the First Incident.
But I knew. I realized today how bad it had gotten, and how much worse it might get. It was a very innocent suggestion, and my body involuntarily froze. It's that feeling you get when someone tries to walk off with your most prized possession. But I knew that it wasn't right. It was NOT right.
Argh! But I can't help it! Why am I doing this to myself? I enjoy being single! I enjoy having free time up the wazoo! But there are times..
Maybe I'm deluding myself into thinking that she's the girl of my dreams. That she's the one I can spend the rest of my life with. That she is.. the one.
I always keep telling myself to look at a person's bad points. Because when the going gets tough, it's always the bad points that people notice the most. If I still like her despite her problems.. well, as they say, "One does not love because, one loves despite".
And to think that all of my self analysis and internal struggle is only one half of the problem. What if she doesn't like me? Or more specifically, what if she doesn't like me as much as I like her? That makes this whole discussion moot. That.. I can handle. I can handle knowing that she doesn't like me. It is depressing, but it's not as painful as not knowing. But I know that if she didn't like me, she would've told me. If she did like me, she probably would've told me as well. The truth is most likely that she doesn't know, and at this point in time, it's not one of more important things on her mind.
I don't want to force this issue right now, so I must wait. I must wait and be patient until the right time when the truth will come out and this whole issue is concluded. But I don't see a conclusion any time soon.
I know in this situation, I need to be patient and understanding.
Waiting, I can handle. It's the fact that I don't know how she feels that makes everything so.. unbearable. Ironically, she probably doesn't know either. What a dilly of a pickle this is.
I want to tell her everything, but I can't tell her this. Not now. This is a bad time for her to know the depth of this infatuation. She is definitely not ready for this, and it would jeopardize everything. I didn't want it go this far, but I don't know how to control it. I always thought I was stronger than this, but I keep coming around to the conclusion that I have not grown at all, that inside me is that little boy who's still looking for the girl of his dreams.
Is she really the girl of my dreams? Well, no. I do remember my dreams, and I know that I haven't found her yet. But she is a great girl, just like all of the girls I've been with. I don't want to screw up this relationship as well. But the funny thing about finding a significant other is that you can screw up many, many times, but all you need to do is to succeed once.
