I think I got these in a forward long long ago.. (i.e. These are
quotes and I forgot who said them)
- The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
- Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
- Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
- Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
- A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
- It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
- If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
- The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
- Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
- Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
- A day without sunshine is like night.
- He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
- Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic!
- If you had everything, where would you keep it?
- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
- There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?
- College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink.
- A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
- When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
- What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
- Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
- Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
- Q: What's the three words you don't want to hear while making love?
A: Honey, I'm home!
- To err is human, to moo bovine.
- The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.
- Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
- There are two major products to come out of Berekley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
- In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
- "Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
- Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
- Be yourself -- it's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.
- The greatest of all human arts is the ability to be indiscreet discreetly.
- The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
- Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
- You can send a kid to college, but you can't make him think.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends.
- The American judicial system: You're innocent until proven broke.
- When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
- Plan for the worst imaginable. That way your only disappointment will be your feeble powers of imagination.
- Self-confidence and arrogance differ only in degree.
- Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
- Meetings are events where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
- From what we get, we make a living; from what we give, we make a life.
- On the side of the software box, in the "System Requirements" section, it said "Requires Windows 95 or better". So I installed Linux.
- Windows 95: Five years ago corporate software giant Microsoft spent millions of dollars and put a team of hundreds of highly specialized programmers on an extensive and highly ambitious project to find another name for the Apple Menu.
Some more that I got more recently.
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because
they will stop making it.
- All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
- You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
- Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.
- This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it.
- There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
- Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
- The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
- The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.
- Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
- The other line always moves faster... until you get in it.
- Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
- Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
- Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.
- I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
- To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
- Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
- If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
- The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
- Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
- Do unto others.
These I got from KGL.
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Here's another list of stuff that I got a while ago..
- Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
- In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life...IT GOES ON.
- Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
- There are two things to aim at in life: first to get what you want and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.
- There is no right way to do the wrong thing.
- The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
- Knowledge is like a garden; if it is not cultivated, it cannot be harvested.
- Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
- Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
- My reality check bounced.
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
- I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.
- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
- Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
- O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say?
- There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
- You'll never be the man your mother was!
- Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
- Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
I got this from Renee, a while ago. Some of these phrases are very
good!
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
- Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
- No, my powers can only be used for good.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
- You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- Who me? I just wander from room to room.
- My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
- It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
- At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
I got these from Madelaine.
- God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
- All reports are in... life is now officially unfair.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter
...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
I got this from KM.
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ????
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
- Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
I got these ones from Madelaine.
- Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
- Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
- I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
- Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
- I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
- I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
- I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
- There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
- I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
- Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
- How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
- Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
- Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
- Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
- A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun."
I got these Mind(less) Thoughts from SM.
- If you father is a poor man, then it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
- Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why
practice?
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly
are the others here for?
- Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you
hear them speak.
- Money is not everything. There's Mastercard and Visa.
- One should love animals. They are so tasty.
- Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.
- Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.
- Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
- Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
- The wise never marry, and when they marry they become otherwise.
- Love is photogenic: It needs darkness to develop
- Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children
- "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep
- There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
- "Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk!
- God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
- When two's company, three's the result!
- A dress is like a barbed fence: It protects the premises without restricting the view.
- The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget,
The more you forget, the less you know,
So.. why learn?
