Journal Entry for Wednesday, August 30, 2000

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[12:38 AM EDT - Still here?]

I'm still here at school. I've finally started recovering some of my files, but I don't know how long I can stay up (considering that I've skipped dinner). While I've been waiting for my files to be backed up, I've been wrestling with a couple of dilemmas in my mind which all somehow came to a head at the same time. Unfortunately, as I write this, I have slowly forgotten them..

Oh wait, it's still there. Man, I'm getting old. I've been going over some of my old stuff and wondering what sort of events shaped my teenage personality. I must say, I was quite a depressed child back then. If I was there now, I'd slap myself around and tell my to stop feeling sorry for myself. Man, what a sniveling dweeb. *glares at younger version of QYV*

Anyway, that wasn't the dilemma that was going through my head. Actually, these really aren't dilemmas. They're more.. "I should get up and do it, and get it over with" sort of deals. Well, at least one is. The other is a dilemma. Although, it's not really a dilemma either. All I can do is wait. Hmm, I guess both of my dilemmas are solved then! Then why am I still in such a quandary?

Argh! This late night thinking isn't doing me any good! Why isn't the recovery program faster?!? *stares at computer hoping that mere willpower is able to speed up the recovery process*

The funniest thing is that all of this may not work at all! I may be recovering random data bits that just happened to have the same names as some of the stuff that I had on the drive. We'll see I guess.

I also have a bug in my program that I should address. Unfortunately, someone's using it so I can't recompile the darned thing. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to content myself with introspective writing (or typing as the case may be).

I keep asking myself. Why the heck do I do this to myself? What the heck drives my mind to go over the edge like that? It happened last year, it's happening again.. maybe it's a yearly thing? *counts months* Uhh, I guess not. You'd think that after years of trying to control something, you might be able to learn some mastery of the object, but I guess that some things are nigh impossible to keep restrained. Argh.

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[1:15 AM EDT - Still recovering.]

Argh, this is definitely going to hurt me tomorrow.. er, this morning. I don't think I'll make it back to the house until three or something (which means I won't get up until god-knows-when. *blink* Great, I can't even see straight now! *looks at computer monitor at different angles*

As I've been going over my list of files-to-recover, I've realized that my list of files-I-need-to-recover is getting longer and longer. I hope the two Zip disks I have available will be sufficient (200MB).

I honestly think that life would've been easier if I didn't find that hard drive recovery tool. Ignorance is bliss. So is love. At least that's what people tell me. Actually, I do have a question up that alley. Being single, I find it hard to keep my eye on someone for very long before someone else comes along and steals my view. I'm wondering how some people can be with someone and never worry about ever going after someone else. I mean, that takes quite a lot of control! I can see that if you're in a happy and stable relationship, you can surpress those urges because you're already in nirvana. But I'm pretty pessimistic about my views on relationships. I can't see how every single relationship in the world can last forever. Some will, but quite a number won't.

Never having been in a long, steady relationship, I would like to know how some people do it. It's something that's bothered me for years. It's that feeling that you've found the "right" person, the one that you can say truly and faithfully that you will need no other. There are more questions that spawn from this one. Why do people stay in abusive relationships? Why do people stay with their cheating spouses? How do reconcile irreparable differences?

But those questions are tangents from my original question. How can you say that you "love" someone forever? Can you say that? That is the foundation of marriage is it not? Yet, people get married every day. People get divorced every day. I really don't understand people at all. Love is transient. Everything is transient.

Okay, I must admit that I have been in a situation where I did believe that there was nobody else I would be with except for a certain person. Indeed, when I was with this person, I didn't even care to glance at anyone else, no matter how good looking, or friendly they were. *bangs fist* Damn those hormones!

But, it didn't last forever. Look at me now! *lifts hands* Who would've thunk it?

Call me a pessimist, but I can't see how this works. Do I care? Well, maybe. Right now I'm running low on space on my first disk and will need to switch disks soon, but that won't help my situation (I really need sleep). Sleep, oh man.. what a great id..

[5 Comments]

Wednesday, August 30, 2000 at 16:33:46 (UTC)

If we listened to our intellect we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship... because we'd be cynical: "It's going to go wrong," or "She's going to hurt me," or "I've had a couple of bad love affairs, so therefore...". Well that's nonsense. You're going to miss life. You've got to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down. -Ray Bradbury

Pokehwan

Wednesday, August 30, 2000 at 17:28:18 (UTC)

Regarding marriage, I think what happens (to guys) is that they begin to become mackadaisical. Eventually (hopefully) they find a woman who exhibits all of the characteristics they require from a mate and who returns their love.

But the key thing is that he realizes that other women don't really have anything better to offer, just another version of the same stuff. When that point has been reached may marriage begin to enter the picture harmoniously.

Of course people change.. there are never any guarantees about this stuff.

eHwan

Wednesday, August 30, 2000 at 19:52:50 (UTC)

Hmmm,.... some input from the married??? (And happily so,..)

Yeah, as eHwan so bluntly put it - in the end, there are just slight variations on the same stuff. Although I would have to say that there truly are some people that make better life partners than others. I've found one. Doesn't mean that there aren't others - but this one is great, and I appreciate it frequently.

Crushes, and being "in-love", will come and go with both your partner and with others. Trust and caring shouldn't falter - and shouldn't be given reason to (or there are other problems).

So - yes, being in love is transient (both coming and going). Deal with it - don't expect otherwise, and something beautiful happens anyway if you've found a good companion in life. Will you know? Possibly not. But isn't it worth it? (Hint - it is.)

Squishy

Thursday, August 31, 2000 at 13:35:53 (UTC)

Two comments? Gee, I guess you all agree with these two huh? Well, I guess it's time for a response.

I don't really consider the first comment as a real comment. It's more of a statment: "Just do it." Although I think it's a little silly.

<NIKE AD>*looks down cliff*

Me: It's a long way down.

Ray: Just do it.

*shrug*

*jumps*</NIKE AD>

Silly. Anyway, here is my response to my questions.

As I stated before, everything is transient. I don't think anyone disagrees here. But I did say everything right? Love is transient. But so is sadness, fear, anger, etc. (I was hoping someone would catch me on the fact that I said that "everything" is transient.) I believe that it is those people who remember that everything is transient, are the ones who realize that nothing lasts forever, you should always live for the present, and tackle the future as it comes. Love doesn't happen overnight. It needs work, dedication, and understanding. Without these three, you can't hope to go into a relationship and expect it to last. Bad things happen, but don't expect the bad things to last forever. It is one of the marriage vows to slog through the hard times because, as Squishy said so succinctly, "Trust and caring shouldn't falter". There is a price though. The price is eternal devotion (I can't think of a better word). Relationships don't continue on inertia, it needs effort, and drive from BOTH parties. (Well, if it was only from one side, it wouldn't be much of a relationship right?)

I disagree with those people who think that you should just jump in and enjoy the ride. Not everyone will enjoy it. Of course, I don't agree with people who think too logically about a situation and refuse to do something because there's a chance something bad might happen. You definitely won't be able to enjoy the ride (if you don't get on it). I believe that people should walk in with one half logic, one half emotion, and one half.. er.. that's too many halfs isn't it? Oh well, but I digress.

Another thing that I hid in there was that personally, I don't really care too much about what happens to me. If something bad happens, *shrug* whatever. I've been through it before probably. (If I hadn't, then it's a learning experience.) My biggest fear about entering a relationship is hurting the other party. That, I think is the toughest part of any relationship. People usually know how they feel, but if they don't know how the other person feels, then what the heck are you supposed to do? I guess this is a followup question to my previous rant, so I'll let you guys mull over this one for a while.

QYV

Thursday, August 31, 2000 at 17:32:52 (UTC)

Hmmm.. let me just say, whenever I've gone with my PURE gut instincts, I had a lot more fun than when I let a little logic muddle it up (uhm, this does NOT apply to situations where *cough* infidelity is involved...).

Also, if you don't care what happens to you but you never want to hurt anyone, then LOGICALLY it would seem that you'll never get into a serious relationship, given such strict criterion! No relationship can ever happen if you're too busy tiptoeing around the other person, fearful of offending/hurting -- there has to be a point at which you get to be yourself, and if the other person takes offense, SO BE IT.

If you can't be yourself with this person, well, now you know you two aren't compatible.

Bat Hwano

[4:11 AM EDT - It didn't work.]

Well, the recovered files were not the files that I wanted recovered. Bascially, it didn't work. Sucky. I think I'm going to go home now.

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[10:58 AM EDT - How the heck?]

How did I get up this morning? Guh. I need sleep. *keels over*

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[1:14 PM EDT - waves white flag]

I've finally given up on recovering the files off of my hard drive. I've just reformatted the partition and am in the process or replacing the files which I had backed up. Wah. I should be installing some programs later so that I can actually do some work on it..

Oh yeah, KGL has a little blurb about how she's doing down under.

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[4:14 PM EDT - Cleaning up my stuff.]

I've been slowly installing Microsoft Office 97 onto my Win2k computer. I'm not sure if it's the most wise choice, as I keep getting this error in Excel where it thinks that the file that I just opened was open already. I guess I'll have to check the FAQ.

Err, I guess I was going to say something, but I forgot. *thinks* I'll come back.

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[6:14 PM EDT - No flies on me!]

With the removal of the counter graphic, I have now removed my reliance on the FLY graphical program. I guess it was fun to play around with at the time, but it did look pretty tacky. I may still have some things to do with it, but for now, I'm going to leave it as it is.

Oh yeah, I should go and respond to some of those journal comments. *looks* Oh boy. Maybe later. (Dang! I also have all this e-mail to respond to! *points at packed inbox*)

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[8:01 PM EDT - Food.]

I'm hungry. I need to go soon. The sky's turned all hazy and I can just feel the rain fall any moment now. I don't have time to respond to the comments today unfortunately. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

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Wednesday, October 16, 2024 @ 06:23:10 EDT

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