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It's been two months since the World Trade Centre fell; four months since I gave up on a dream; one year since the visit; fifteen years since I made one of the few mistakes I still regret to this day; and eighty-three years since Europe decided to end all wars.
There's not much I can or care to say about the fall of the WTC. What can I say that hasn't been said before? What can I do to change the way others feel? If you wish to change the world, see if you can change yourself first.
A year ago today, I went to visit someone in the hospital. To think that I went back to that same hospital, to visit the same patient, with the same malady, one year after was.. shocking. But life will go on, and everything will balance out in the end. (I might also want to keep next year's Remembrance Day free as well.)
The lasting peace that the Europeans had hoped to create at the end of the "Great War" was short lived, and very fragile. True peace cannot come with a sudden change of heart, but it must be taught and bred into our system until violence becomes the last resort of the incompetent.
I have pretty much been in limbo since I made my decision in July. I have no regrets of my decision, although I do feel saddened by the fact that things didn't work out the way I hoped they would. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I'm always reminded directly or subtly of you..
I was thinking I might talk more of this, but now that I think about it, there isn't really all that much to say. It was one of my hopes, and for a while, I was ashamed at even making it one of my hopes, even though it was the biggest goal in my life for some time. I was ashamed that I felt so bad at losing this chance, when others have lost more and suffered greater calamities. But I'm not ashamed anymore. How could I be ashamed for being sad when losing a dream? What is wrong with that?
Fifteen years ago I made a mistake which I paid for over the years. It came to a head seven years later and I made another decision which seems so perplexing now. Sometimes I wonder why I did the things I did when I was younger, but I know why I made those choices, and I know that I deserved what I deserved. I guess acceptance is a part of maturation, but there are some loose threads that should be tied back together again, to be put to rest.
